My New Ministry: Teaching Brain Surgery

Right now my ministry consists of: preaching, teaching on the King James Bible, writing, this newsletter, a soon-to-be radio program, and several other minor things. But I have decided to expand my ministry into yet another area. I’m going to start doing seminars where I will be teaching Brain Surgery. What? Have I ever performed brain surgery? No. But I’m not going to perform brain surgery–only teach future brain surgeons how to do it. I have some private theories on the practice that I’ve always wanted to expound on so I’m really going to do well.

In fact, I’m not even going to show up for the seminars. I’m going to send videos; and they’ll be shown on large screens; and I’ll charge the suck … er … I mean, my “Clients” to come and watch. I should make millions!

What? YOU don’t think anyone will come? You don’t think anyone would be SO Stupid as to let someone who never performed brain surgery teach them how to do it? Well, under normal circumstances YOU would be right. But I will only be dealing with Christians. Fortunately for me, experience means nothing to Christians. I will be able to foist all kinds of worthless theories on them. They’ll believe me.

How do I know? Well, I heard about this guy that has never been married and who has no children. Yet this guy does seminars where he teaches how to have a good marriage and how to raise children. He doesn’t even show up for the seminars. He just sends a video and the then charges the suck … er … I rnean, “his Clients” to watch them. (This guy’s a genius!) How does he get away with it? Easy. He only deals with Christians. Apparently he has come to realize that Christians are not too bright. They’ll believe anyone who claims to be an expert.

I figure I’ll simply read a book about Brain Surgery, proclaim myself an expert, start the new ministry, and wait for the suck … er … I rnean, “Clients” to start sending in their checks. I should make millions!

Why? Well, if Christians are so dumb that they’ll pay a man who is not a husband and not a father teach thern his theories on such two important subjects, then surely they’ll buy my stuff on Brain Surgery. After all, what could be more importarnt to them than raising their kids, right? And they’ll listen to a know-nothing for advice on that. Why wouldn’t they listen to my know-nothing theories on sornething that will probably never affect them? Brain Surgery.

No please! No flattery! I know it takes a great and cunning mind to come up with my “Brain Surgery” scam. But I’m not the genius! It’s that other guy. He’s been doing it for years, and they’re still lining up to give him their money.

But I guess neither of us would make it if it weren’t for Christians. Am I ever glad they never stop and think!

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